Friday, March 5, 2010 (SF Gate)
Radical homosexuals ate my baby!
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
And now, ladies and gentlemen, right here on our stage, a fine and terrifyingly hilarious -- or is that hilariously terrifying? -- spectacle,for your disquieting reading pleasure. Please, remove the children. Ready?
Behold, an item known henceforth as the National Impact Survey of the Radical Homosexual Agenda in California Public Schools, as recently and furtively received/discovered by yours truly, your humble and sexually perverted and imperfectly liberal, very-straight-but-very-gay-rights-supporting satire columnist, in a roundabout manner I cannot divulge right now lest I might get shot waiting in line at Starbucks.
What is the NISRHACPS, you ask? Why, it's a document. It's a mailer. It's a survey of sorts, a short, wretched little questionnaire made entirely of sadness and bile and fear.
It's a piece of paper sent out en masse to particular members of the Republican party who are so openly terrified of all homosexual personages, they fully believe said gays are actively bewitching and recruiting your
innocent children behind the locked doors of hugely perverted schoolhouses near you.
This document is, apparently, highly confidential. Everything about it -- the shouty ALL CAPS HEADLINES, the copious red ink, the simpleton second-grade language -- screams that I'm not supposed to be reading it,
given how I have, you know, a functioning intellect, can walk upright, enjoy copious amounts of sex, and speak in complete sentences. Often all at the same time. I know!
In fact, most liberals, moderates, chimps, garden gnomes and humans with intact brainstems have likely never seen this document, given how it is carefully targeted only at persons of dangerously limited consciousness,
people who clearly think book learnin' is for elitists, the vagina was created by the devil and Sarah Palin is like, super-duper smart, and stuff.
You perhaps think I am exaggerating? I am not exaggerating. Behold:
RADICAL HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA IMPACT RESEARCH SURVEY BACKGROUND: American
standards of sexual morality have eroded to the point that almost nothing
is off-limits in our schools. [...] Graphic details of perverted sex
practices are being taught to high school children, and parents are being
locked out of assemblies lead by radical homosexual activists. How long
will it be before sex between adults and children is just the next barrier
to be torn down? How long will it take before radical homosexual activists
achieve their next evil objective?
That's the first paragraph, more or less. It was difficult to transcribe verbatim, given how it's such a bizarre arrangement of verbiage, such a sickening cluster of sentences, I couldn't really write it without my
heart clenching and my brain actively recoiling. Also, it's tough to type when you're laughing, shaking your head, and slamming Maker's Mark to numb the savage karmic pain, all at once.
There are 10 questions in the NISRHACPS. They are all, as you imagine, completely silly, front-loaded, leading questions along the lines of "Pimply spidermutants from planet Fukulon-7 like to devour the severed
heads of newborn baby deer like popcorn. Do you support this practice? Yes [ ] No [ ] Don't Know [ ]"
In other words, they aren't really questions at all, and are far more like validations of an outlandish kind of ignorance, a repressed sexual fantasia, the honest belief that godless heathens have penetrated the
public school system using giant strap-on dildos and are secretly teaching your little ones about, presumably, leather chaps, Adam Lambert, love and other such abominations.
I shall not attempt any sort of itemized correction of this amazing document. I am not here to shine a light on all the obvious lies and misstatements contained in this "survey." The fact that it's total nonsense, or that the framing device is hilariously lopsided, is not for this column to remedy.
Besides, it's nothing really new. This kind of shrill fearmongering and right-wing propaganda has been going on since Rush Limbaugh was knee high to Pat Roberston's gay bathhouse towel boy's coke spoon. What's more, if you're reading this column, odds are extremely good you're already many, many times smarter than the target demographic of this survey.
But oh, what a target. Allow me to point up one aspect of the NISRHACPS I find particularly distressing. It is this: the document comes from -- and is aimed straight at -- women.
True. The survey is apparently the dark creation of a little D.C. splinter clan called Concerned Women for America (CWA), who in my imagination aren't really women at all, but are far more like bulky bundles of bad
skin and beige polyester with only faintly female characteristics, such as thigh stubble, cankles and a creamy fondness for Jay Leno and lumpy pancake batter and cats.
In other words, I imagine the Concerned Women for America much like I imagine neo-Nazi skinheads in rural Idaho, wacky black metal dudes from Norway, or "Real Housewives" cast members; a weird and ragtag huddle of
unstable, nervous humans smelling faintly of stale Doritos and light beer, who have endured a complete lack of agreeable sexual contact since, well, ever.
Unfortunately, the NISRHACPS is not easily dismissed. Many of you will note it was exactly this kind of trickery and lie-mongering used to scare thousands of already overanxious Mormons into giving millions of their kids' underwear money to help pass Prop 8.
This new campaign plays on the same sort of heartless fears, only this time it's targeting one of the weakest and most gullible of all American demographics: mal-educated conservative moms who don't know any better.
Sad doesn't begin to cover it.
The NISRHACPS ends with a petition to Gov. Schwarzenegger to please put an end evil homosexual propaganda in our public schools, and instead help "promote views toward sexuality that support our nation's traditional
Do you remember those values? The moral codes that have helped shaped America lo these many years of joyful Christian goodness and open-hearted love? I bet you do.
From the top, they include: Unchecked sexual guilt, shame, hysteria, pedophilic priests, failed abstinence programs, banning birth control education in schools, dangerous illegal abortions, widespread teen
pregnancy, the 50-percent divorce rate, and freaking the hell out over a single exposed nipple on primetime TV.
Also, by extension, unhappy marriages, sexual unfulfillment and a deep misunderstanding of God, love and simple human connection. You know, values just like mom used to enjoy. Thanks for reminding us, CWA!
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BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO drive their traffic stats up, here's the posting from the forceps babies of the cwa:
National Impact Survey of CWA Members Reveals Concern, Dedication 3/30/2009
By CWA Staff
Last fall, Concerned Women for America (CWA) conducted a survey of its members' opinions about the impact of the radical homosexual agenda in the public schools. Thousands of members participated in the survey. As expected, CWA members feel strongly about these issues. They are rightly alarmed at the pervasive influence of activists whose agenda has nothing to do with education and everything to do with evangelizing young people into a dangerous and harmful lifestyle.
The results of the National Impact Survey of the Radical Homosexual Agenda on America's Public Schools showed overwhelming support for common-sense approaches to education. Clearly, CWA members have a strong preference for schools to be free of radical politics and free to focus on the "Three Rs." The radical homosexual agenda has nothing to do with education and no place in our public schools.
Radical activists, however, are paying no mind to overwhelming public concern. In April, they will hold yet another Day of Silence designed to disrupt classroom instruction and promote their agenda. Many parents and students will respond by removing their children or themselves from these political demonstrations. Many others will participate in a more appropriate effort called the Day of Truth, sponsored by the Alliance Defense Fund. CWA supports both efforts. For more information, listen to our recent multimedia presentation, http://www.cwfa.org/articles/16703/CFI/family/index.htm, and watch our website for updates for ways you can take your stand.
The CWA National Impact Survey contained fifteen questions. The responses to each were overwhelming, and there was only the smallest variation among the states. Here are the questions to which our members responded:
Do you support teaching children in grades as early as kindergarten that cross-dressing is acceptable? CWA members do not support this.
What kind of impact do you believe this kind of teaching would have on young children? CWA members universally felt such instruction would have a negative impact on young children.
Do you believe school children as young as 13 should be exposed to explicit, detailed discussions and instructions on homosexual practices (including sodomy) as are being conducted by homosexual teachers and activists right now? CWA members in every state said "no."
What kind of impact do you believe this kind of instruction would have on young children? Again, CWA members felt strongly that such instruction would have a negative impact.
Do you believe the increase of homosexual experimentation among teens is related to presentation of pro-"gay" instruction in the classroom? Yes, the vast majority of respondents felt this was very likely.
Is it possible for the radical homosexual agenda to succeed in achieving its overriding goal of changing the moral character of our young people and the moral landscape of our nation through our schools? The overwhelming response was "yes" - CWA members clearly understood the danger of attacking moral standards.
What impact would this have on our nation and the next generation leading it? Most responses followed logically: If our moral character and the nation's moral landscape fall prey to the radical homosexual agenda, the result will be negative and future generations will suffer.
Do you agree that instruction in some classrooms is a blatant push to unashamedly promote and encourage the homosexual lifestyle and ultimately force "gay marriage" on the American public? Yes, most respondents agreed some activists would not be able to resist pushing their agenda to its most extreme.
Do you feel instilling positive views of homosexuality in schools will result in America accepting same-sex "marriages"? Huge majorities of responses agreed they felt this was likely.
Do you agree that homosexual "marriage" is as valid as traditional marriage, as is being taught in some school districts? Most responses indicated they did not agree at all with this claim of the radical activists.
What impact on traditional marriage do you believe this kind of classroom instruction will have in the future? Respondents in every state said this would have a negative impact on marriage.
Do you support laws requiring schools to obtain parents' permission before their child is exposed to information of a homosexual nature? Strong majorities of responses support such laws.
What impact on traditional marriage do you believe homosexual teaching would have in the future? Again, overwhelming majorities felt such politicized instruction will have a negative impact on marriage.
Are you will to take a moral stand against pro-homosexual classroom curriculum by taking grassroots action against the organizations who promote it? The vast majority of CWA members were willing to make this commitment to make their voices heard in the public square.
Will you help Concerned Women for America as we stand strong for Biblical principles and against the radical homosexual agenda in our schools? CWA members were nearly unanimous in their willingness to help as CWA joins hands with each of them to stand for righteousness.
Often, folks will read a survey like this one and notice that the responses are overwhelmingly in one direction. What is the point, they may wonder? The point is you are not alone. The radical homosexual agenda is dangerous. It is wrong. CWA is fighting for marriage, against dangerous "hate crimes" laws and resisting the politicizing of our public schools - and we have the backing of hundreds of thousands of friends like you across the country. Though only a fraction of our overall membership of 500,000 responded, the result was still many thousands of replies. You can be sure that those thousands speak for hundreds of thousands more who did not receive the survey or could not reply.
Our call is to "prayer and action." We must remember in prayer those caught up in the homosexual lifestyle. The Good News is indeed very good: You - each one of us - can be set free from your sin, no matter what it is, no matter how hard a grip it may have on you. Thousands of men and women have been freed from the homosexual lifestyle. Their lives are evidence of this great Truth. We must remember in prayer those who promote wrongdoing, especially to innocent children, that God will change their hearts and protect the next generation. We must remember in prayer all who will take a stand for righteousness, that we may do so with grace and with wisdom.
To all who took our National Impact Survey: CWA extends our warm thanks for your commitment and generosity. To all whose concern the Survey has sparked, please prayerfully join us. You aren't alone. We can make a difference.